Depression? maybe

I gotta say it’s been a long while since ive typed in this blog and i would imagine many of my readers havent even noticed i’ve been gone but i dont want it to be that every time i write in here it’s because i’m not feeling like myself.. i’ve been feeling down and i have to say that seems to be the case… i’m just gonna type and not even worry about what i’m writing but i gotta say that i’ve been feeling down since about mother’s day.. mothers’ day is always a hard time for me being that hubby and i have problems in that area.. i’m 38 years old and no children.. that seems to be a trigger for me.. the whole motherhood thing.. since i know it’s something that i will never experience…

One of my coworkers triggered me without realizing it.. once she brought up motherhood it was downhill from there.. i was feeling that tingly feeling i feel when depression or hypomania comes but what followed wasnt elation..but sadness and my eyes watery…. i couldnt get myself together for a few hours but i know she didnt mean it.. so i was trying to work on my breathing so that i wont go all out crying fest.. but i managed to get myself together at work.. thank goodness but i have to say the voices in my head were super strong… it was like someone speaking right next to me… and the feelings were like what am i going to do with myself for the rest of my life if i cant be a mother…

hubby doesnt want to have children that aren’t his… so he doesnt want to adopt or  for me to be artificially inseminated… and it’s like i’m so stuck.. i guess i have to live this life without that blessing… and it so sucks… motherhood is something i’ve always wanted.. i’ve prayed for it.. we’ve tried Invitro and that didnt work so yeah..

i just feel so stuck in my life… thoughts of maybe part of the reason i’m treated like a child is because i have no children either.. i dont know.. but it’s just a thought.

i’m so stressed out.. hurt.. and just feel hopeless right now… what is life?



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