Numbness and insecurity

the title of this blog pretty much says it all… i havent had any big emotional highs or lows… i feel nothing… i want to feel something… feel alive… and honestly the only time i really felt alive is when i’m not on medicine… but at the same time i go crazy when i’m not on meds… i get pretty hypomanic and equally as depressed…  so that pretty much covers the numb part… or maybe as my old therapist said… i have feelings they are just toned down a bit… but yeah.. maybe that’s true but i just feel maybe boring… or bored is the word lol… who the heck knows anymore…

i also still dont feel secure in the relationships that ive made… well the making up with the two bestfriends… i dont know how to make myself feel secure in those friendships… i guess deep down i’m still afraid of losing them again and a part of me is still kinda waiting for the moment where they say they dont want to talk to me anymore or maybe just ignore me…

good thing is ive’ been taking my medication everyday for about a month or 2 now but i really dont know what to think… i want to feel fun and it’s sad that the only time i feel fun is when i’m going through a hypomanic episode…

i really dont know where i’m going with blog… but i dont know i’m just afraid of them leaving me again… ugh i dont know…

i just feel empty… could i be at the beginning of depresson… even on my meds?



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