old wounds… i dont know what to do

well my best friend (male) finally wrote me and i have to say i had slight anxiety.. the seeing his name on my messenger brought back so many things… i wanted to hear from him for 3 years but when the moment came i really didnt know how to feel.. but i finally opened the message and he just said thank you for wishing him a happy birthday… he had heard from a mutual friend… which is fine…

we’ve been chatting on messenger on and off for almost a week and it’s still so very surreal.. we’ve been talking on and off since maybe the first of sept.. he wants to meet up and you know we didnt end our friendship on a good note… this was me (before treatment) toward him i was detached emotionally and rude and just made him feel inadequate…

so now he wants to meet up next week and have THE conversation… he wants closure on the whole thing and let me know how i made him feel which i am expecting quite the tongue lashing… or maybe not..i really dont know what to expect… and my whole thing is how am i going to react. .will i become unemotional or will i cry with how sorry i am to make him feel that way… i really dont know how to react to what he says… but i know one thing.. i’m going to shut the f up and let him talk… he needs to get this off of his chest and i’m going to let him…

should i explain myself… give reasons… or just express that i wasnt in the right frame of mind and i didnt know that at the time.. i was unaware that i was making him feel all of these things and that is what caused the wedge between us… i really wish i knew then what i know now…

i was undiagnosed bipolar so maybe it was moments of irritability or moments of hypomania… not saying it’s an excuse but maybe an explanation for the way i acted toward the end…

i’m aware now… i’m a different person… i’m on meds now… so i’m more level than i was… i really dont know what to do? i just want to have the right reaction to this conversation that we are going to have…

8 comments

  1. I feel you on a lot of this. I’ve lost so many friends through the years because of this. Here’s how I’ve handled it, and maybe it can help you:
    -the people who love you hang in there. Your behavior was not acceptable and you own that which is awesome and huge. There’s plenty of assholes out there who think their shit don’t stink. That’s not you.
    -the fact he wants to talk might be a good sign. Try your best to not assume, I think that’s part of our bipolar and anxiety is projecting our shit on others. I tend to assume people hate me or angry with me and I’m often wrong, but I tend to be fearful of myself and my behavior. We’re our own worst judges and critics.
    – you’re right, let him talk and apologize. But remember, your actions speak louder than your words. While
    An explanation is good, you know yourself best and if you’re better, he’ll know.
    -the hardest part for me has been letting people go. I’d say at this point I have one friend. I’ve lost some
    Of my oldest and dearest friends this year, and I have finally gotten to the point of, people who choose to leave are best let go, because I’d rather have people who love all of me, as I am, then people who don’t understand me or build me up. It’s hard, but it really is for the best. I have this tendency to apologize for everything and blame
    Myself for everything. I’d rather just let people leave then beat the shit out of myself.

    Hope you don’t mind some unsolicited advice. Good luck with meeting him. I really hope you both can heal
    And come out stronger for it. ❤️❤️

    Liked by 1 person

    1. You have no idea how much I appreciate your advice … so nervous I don’t want to come off as fake or phony because this meeting with him is so important to me… to us… I will keep your words in mind 🙂 thank you to the moon and back

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Let him talk. let him talk, and listen. then maybe explain your diagnosis if he doesnt know it. but wait until he gets everything off of his chest first. I’m glad you’ll be having this conversation with him. xxx

    Like

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