Getting Vulnerable… depression kicking in

so i can feel depression coming on … i am just so frustrated with so many things and anxious about things… i mean damn… i can tell it’s coming on because i cried yesterday… i felt the tingles all over my body…. i had the need to take deep breaths and my brain was tingling too on top of feeling sad…

i decided to get vulnerable with my former friend and try to explain why i’ve had “reinvented” myself through the years… i explained to her that i had identifiers… meaning when i was growing up by this age i figured i’d be married… which i am… in a great career… which i’m not and i’d be a mother… being a mother was going to be my main identifier… since hubby and i cannot have children… i felt lost… who am i going to be if not a mother…? so i’ve joined different things where i would feel accepted… i’ve had many sexual encounters… i’ve partied… all of these things to try to find myself and i have to admit… i still dont know who i am… what is my place in this world… what is my purpose… and not knowing that saddens me…

my former friend understood and stresses that she wished she had known this sooner and i told her i didnt even know it… all of this came to me recently… i really didnt think about it too much… but i’m glad she can kinda understand what’s been going on with me… i told her that i didnt want to lose her again and that i loved her and always have…

hubby is out having drinks with his friends.. i’ve just arrived home from work and popped a seroquel to end my night.. hopefully it quiets my mind enough to fall asleep… i just feel sad…



  1. I am so sorry lovely, it is hard to come to terms with the fact of not being a mother. I was ‘lucky’ to find this our pretty early, didn’t stop me getting hurt over the years that I tried for a baby and failed. It helped me so much to finally be able to put this behind me once and for all. I know this is my story and not true of everyone; some people continue to struggle with fertility issues. If you are feeling depressed then you need to follow the steps that help you, if sleep does (and I hope you are sleeping now) then at least use it to heal a little tonight. If sleep isn’t working, please try to be as nice as you can to yourself… something like making your self a hot drink, having a bath… anything to sooth you even just for a few minutes. I am glad that your friend understood your situation and was sympathetic, I hope this is a new start for your friendship together xx

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