I cried today…

had a conversation with my old/new friend today… we used to be bestfriends but if you want to know the history…read some of my previous blogs… just too much to type…

we had a long conversation today and we talked about how i used to “reinvent” myself once a year and getting into different things… i dont know if that was a bipolar symptom or a borderline symptom… but anyway she said the sweetest thing…and i told her it meant so much to me to hear that…she said … “the regular old me is just perfect.” i mean it may not be much but it really touched me… deep… to hear that coming from her … stirred in me something…

also we talked about my former bestfriend… we also ended on bad terms… that was a relationship that i’m still sort of healing from… but she told me there may be a day that we will talk… now that me and my old/new friend are talking again… he wanted some comedy skits from me and i never gave them to him… this was during the time we werent talking… we still arent… i told her that i would give it to him if he asked me himself… i asked her if she thought that was petty… she said yes… she asked do i want him to ask me hoping that it would lead to a conversation… i said yeah there’s always the hope…but i just want to hear his voice again…

i was out on my terrace just thinking about everything and i started to tear up … i really cant pin point why… maybe there thought of him getting in touch with me gives me anxiety… all of the what if’s … we had so much of a history i mean i’ve known him since 2nd grade… 1988… i think i’m going to email my therapist about this… or should i just wait 2 weeks so that i can tell her in person… i’m so lost… i really need words of wisdom… i can feel my mood go down… i’m not depressed.. more like melancholy… just down…

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