Downhill 

So it’s official hubby definitely triggered a down mood…. I was crying at work today and I really couldn’t help it 😩…. not even the music I was playing in my headphones could drown out the terrible voices in my head that kept telling me that hubby considers me a whore… that he doesn’t trust me… that he doesn’t value me… and so many other things…. 

it’s only his words that trigger and cut me and echo in my mind… if it were someone else it wouldn’t bother me… but since it’s him they have such a deep profound effect on me…

I know he doesn’t trust me and he expresses that to me freely…. I mean I’m not the only one who cheated in this marriage and I don’t rub his infidelities in his face…. I don’t bring it up…. but whenever he has a chance he will say some dumb shit and I think I’m reaching a boiling point to where I don’t know how much more of his untrusting attitude of me I can take… 

I’m good… I haven’t cheated in a very long time… I mean the closest I’ve gone to cheating is fantasizing about my old therapist…. but damn I’ve been good and yet he still don’t trust me… makes me wonder what’s the fucking point…. if Its going to be insinuated that I plan on cheating, I might as well…. I know I wouldn’t but I’m just saying… 

I was crying at work and I feel so bad that they had to feel this sad negative energy I had… even tho I’m not really talking to anyone like I normally do… my eyes are glazed over and sad looking…. 

tomorrow I have a therapist appointment I need to know how to deal with it emotionally when my husband pokes at me… I mean isn’t he supposed to be the one to make me feel valued?