Many Many interests… some not so proud of

i love the feeling of Newness… the feeling that something new is blooming…hence to say… i get bored rather easily.. that’s pretty much why i believe i have so many interests… I’ve developed so many hobbies throughout the years and so many of them have not been completed or seen all the way through… lets see… i’m into photography and acting right… but i was also into… auto clubs…learning french…playing guitar…magic…. religion…book writing… rapping… doing my nails… piercings and tattoos…. (i have 5 tattoos) (i’ve had my tongue pierced…nipples pierced… belly button pierced…) dont have the piercings anymore though…

but i’m always into something.. it’s one of the reasons one of my best friends stopped being my best friend… at least she made it sound like that… talking about “you never stick to one thing, you’re always doing something different.” but of course she was saying it in a negative way… maybe it was my hypomania… it’s also the same way with sex partners… yeah i’ve done my dirt… i’ve even been with married men but i’ve always been very discreet… never really told anyone except my therapist about the married men that i’ve had relationships with.. not saying it in a way that i’m proud of… it’s just part of my story…

the feeling of starting a new relationship with someone made me feel so alive… full of life and happy… i havent felt that in a long time… like i say i have never felt the “in love” feeling with my husband…. i love him but never had butterflies or anything like that… i havent had that feeling in a long time and i think the reason i’ve cheated is to have that rush..that feeling of excitement and lust that comes with a new relationship… the longest affair i’ve had was maybe about a year long affair… could have been with a guy…or a girl..whatever piqued my interest at the time…

i’m always in search of having a fantasy made reality…in search of that rush… i’m trying not to be a cheater and sometimes my impulses get the best of me and i’m so happy that i was able to resist yesterday… but i’m sure if i was attracted to him i probably would have done something that i’m not proud of… sometimes i wish i had my therapist in my ear lol telling me “_____ stop being stupid.” but it seems like i’m in search for the next rush… i’m working on boundaries as well as thinking about my relationship with my husband.. i know i dont want a divorce…¬† maybe an open marriage but my husband wont like that.. he’s be totally against it.. i’ll work something out… i’m trying to be good.. lets see what happens…

Thank god I am healthy with no stds and I’m hiv negative… I’ve been as safe as possible during my affairs… and I’m glad that I’m still ok… but yeah I never know what I will do next…


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