I wish I had a bestfriend

I used to have one, once…a long time ago… he’s gone now… not dead… just gone.. i’m sitting here, drinking some Jager and i cant help but feel nostalgic.. i havent thought about him for some time but i think the liquor is getting to me where now i’m thinking about the relationship we had. One thing about my former bestfriend is everyone loved him.. he was very charming and funny…and gay.. yes he was a homosexual but that actually made me love him more…


we met back in 1988 i was in second grade and they actually changed his class… next time i saw him was in 1995 in JHS. One thing about him is he was very flamboyant… like once he opened his mouth to talk .. you would know he was gay… a mutual friend told me “hey… ____ likes you.” and i said “well, isnt he gay.” and to that she said “obviously not, he likes you.” i just dismissed the whole thing until he came up to me and innocently asked “would you like to be my girlfriend.” i said “yea, sure” in the most sarcastic tone i could muster…but i guess it didnt work cause he believed me even though at the time i already had a boyfriend, but i went along with it anyway…

We only dated about a week because it was obvious to me he wasnt straight and i figured why keep up with the charade… so i broke up with him … about a week later the mutual friend that hooked us up said “can you keep a secret?” i was like “yeah sure, what’s up?” she told me “_____ is gay.” i sucked my teeth and said “i knew that.” i mean like who wouldnt know that… anyway

the next time i saw him i ran to him and hugged him because i figured it took alot of guts to come out the closet…and that is something i admired and from then on we were inseparable…

we remained bestfriends until about april of 2014. we’ve had a whole lot of ups and downs. In the end… people who knew of our friendship thought that he was a user and i didnt see that until later.. i figured i was being a good friend by buying him what he needed and what he wanted… I bought him cigarettes, liquor and beer. For most of our friendship he didnt have a job… yeah in all of those years…  so his mother as well as me.. we took care of him but i loved him and i can see i had some codependency issues with him as well..

He also stole from me.. one time when he was sleeping over my house.. i had went to bed and he went into my wallet, took my debit card and withdrew 40 bucks without asking me. i was devastated.. i wrote him a 7 page letter.. which i still have copies of… and at the time he didnt even apologize or try to beg for forgiveness or anything..he was just not around… i thought it was probably because he didnt care but he says he was “ashamed” of what he did… so he couldnt face me.. but i’m calling bullshit on that..

a few years later i moved him in with me and my husband… it went well he wasnt working but he cooked and cleaned while me and hubby were at work… he lived with me for about  a year before i kicked him out… i’m actually tired of typing but the reason i kicked him out is because he wasnt paying any rent and he wasnt considerate… it was a whole big mess…

6 months after i kicked him out i wrote him and tried to reconcile because through all of the BS i still loved him and wanted to maintain some kind of relationship but he simply messaged me back… “i dont ever want to see or speak to you again” after all that we’ve been through and all of the things i’ve given him… he didnt want to speak to me..or at least try to work it out…

This relationship meant alot to me and i wanted to at least work on it… I’ve spoken to my therapist about this relationship but words cant really express how much i loved him and i wanted us to grow old as best friends together… so now it’s 2017 and we have not spoken…sometimes i wonder does he think about me or miss me at all… ? it hurts to think that he doesnt…

I still have not found someone to take his place… someone that i can really give my all too and be around alot… i mean aside from my husband… now my husband i feel is all i have… not saying it like it’s a bad thing.. i just miss the feeling of having a bestfriend… i dont trust people much anymore…not like i used to… and it sucks…

i honestly wish i had him back in my life.  i just feel a deep sense of loss in my life because he’s not in it anymore… he was my rock…



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