Those Loud Voices

My experience with bipolar is like this… pretty much every night the voices in my head tell me negative things about  myself…but honestly they arent very loud and i can usually go to sleep… takes me a while but i usually fall asleep.. at this point they arent really depressing or anything like that… its just the usual bullshit i tell myself..

BUT

when i’m in a depressive state or triggered… those voices get louder and very matter-of-fact.. telling myself how much of a shit person i am…and that no one gives a shit about me..how i have no friends because i’m a bad person…things like that.. and let me say sometimes it’s not even my own voice… it could be the voice of a man telling me these things as well.. it’s not fun at all.. Its as if the voices are speaking and they are telling me the truth… kind of the same way a lawyer would sound if he’s proving his point in a court room with no doubts of anything… they’ve gotten so bad that at one of my depressive states after an argument with my husband i actually taunted myself to kill myself.. my mind would say things like “you’re too pussy to do it..no one would even notice.

Now it’s really good to know your triggers… so far i have one that i know of that will bring me to that mental state… it’s whenever i have a serious argument or disagreement with my husband… i really dont know my other triggers … i’m still learning myself..

i really wish i knew my hypomania triggers lol i’d trigger myself all the time…=P which is the complete and total opposite of how i feel in a down state…

i’m still learning…this disorder is still so new to me…