Borderline Traits

So as i mentioned in my previous blogs before being diagnosed with Bipolar, i believed i had borderline…even as early as a child, thinking back i have done some things that i wonder where did i get the idea to do that from… I have to preface and say that i had a wonderful childhood.

My mother is the apple of my eye and i love her so much. She gave me the freedom to be a child and play and use my imagination. I love my childhood and i thank her for giving me a great one.

As a child i would say i was “spoiled” she would buy me whatever i wanted and if i didnt get it…i’d catch a tantrum… yeah i was that child… lol when i was in kindergarden i would get on a bus and everyday i remember i didnt want to go to school..i wanted to stay with my mother..sometimes my tantrums would be so bad that they would actually take me off the bus and give me back to my mother… i just was scared and didnt want to leave her side… at the same time I HAD to go to school.. i was already 5 years old.. during one of my tantrums i remember the bus driver tried to make me stop crying by singing songs from Mr. Rogers neighborhood and sesame street.. yeah i was a handful… and my mother wouldnt hit me in public…

I wasnt abused or anything like that… when i needed a lil bit of a whoopin…she gave it to me.. and trust me i deserved it.. lol i was a bad ass….

1987 – Anyway back to my Borderline Personality traits… I remember back in 1987… i was 7 years old… i caught a tantrum … i couldnt get my way about something and i ran down the hall hysterical crying… i mean i was a huge drama queen … i was crying as if i was dying.. and i still dont remember what about… but i ran down the hall into the kitchen.. i took a knife  and hid under the kitchen table sobbing and i screamed “i’m going to kill myself!!” My mother grabbed the knife away from me and said something like “are you crazy?! or something like that…

1995 – At this time i was 15 years old in a relationship with a 26 year old man.. back then i thought it was cool to date someone older but now me being 37 and looking back.. i’m thinking wow he was a sick pervert! but anyway i was deeply in love with this man and i have to say i had a bit of a jealous streak in me… so something happened where he broke up with me and i lost it…I was so sad and desperate i just wanted him back and the pain of the heartbreak was absolutely unbearable.. i took a knife and i carved his name into my forearm… the feeling of the blade somehow felt better than the pain from heartbreak… I’m so happy it didnt leave a permanent scar…

1995 – I dont remember what situation led me to do this but i remember taking a butter knife and slicing my wrist…i was extremely depressed and felt like that the world was ending for me… i had the knife to my wrist dragging it back and forth…back and forth… it felt good to me at the time… like a release of frustration or something…

Now i know borderlines cut… i’ve never done the slicing on my legs or at any time after that… but it is a part of my past and at that time i couldnt handle the stress…

also in 1995… i was dating the love of my life… i thought he was cheating on me…which i found out later he was cheating.. anyway i was at one of his suspected lovers’ building waiting in the building for him to come out of her apartment… i waited there about 10 hours… he never came out but i am persistent lol

Later on in life i turned to alcohol and drugs… but that’s another blog…

Anyway ultimately i was diagnosed with bipolar 2 and having traits of borderline…