Tormented and triggered last night

This is the first time I’m actually documenting a depressive episode sparked by a trigger…

My husband enjoys going out with his buddies after work but that really doesn’t bother me… what bothers me is when he says he will be coming home early and he doesn’t. It’s EVERYTIME… so I’m left home alone waiting for him. Because of my past he really doesn’t like me going out and for the past 2 years I can count how many times I’ve gone out. Not much but I stay home to show him I’m faithful.

It got to a point that I want a social life and I feel empty in that area. Over the Facebook messenger I told him I’m tired of being lied to everytime he goes out. He says time goes so fast and I can understand that… he’s having a good time but what about me… I’m home bored…

I mentioned to him when he goes out next time…I’m going out too… that caused a shit storm. He started bringing up my rape and my cheating and it really broke me down to where I started crying at his insensitivity. He doesn’t  know I was crying or that I was even hurt by his comments. When he drinks he really does get insensitive and his words trigger a down spiral.

The negative voices in my head that are usually always there actually seemed louder and so very matter-of-fact…

imagine trying to sleep and having loud voices telling you how much of a shit person you are. I cried myself to sleep… when he came home he didn’t kiss me and seemed like he tried to ignore me. I was acting like everything was ok but I really wasn’t…

I eventually went to sleep and he apologized this morning as he does every time we argue… I really wasn’t trying to argue I was just saying I want to go out with some buddies too…

of course I forgave him… he’s my husband… until our next argument…



  1. Oh this is shit, I’m sorry you had to go through this. It is obviously easy for me to say but it sounds like your hub got jealous and attacked you because he knew he was wrong. You know what they say “the best form of defense is attack”…. I know that doesn’t help you but you are just as entitled to have a fulfilling life with social plans and friends as he is, he can’t keep you locked at home because you are “safe” there. Safe from bad things happening (so sorry to read you were raped, that is truly horrific) or bad things like you potentially cheating or whatever. You both need to be independent, equal adults in the relationship. I learnt this first hand from my Therapist a while ago who taught me about relationship triangles or Karpman’s triangle, perhaps you could give that a read and see what you think? The general idea is that in your relationship people seem to take “roles” on – the victim (where I see you), the rescuer (usually your hub) but then people get fed up of their “role” like you did yesterday and then in the process of you expressing your feelings, hub turned into the “persecutor”… just my thoughts, I don’t know if they are overstepping the mark, if so, I am sorry. x

    Liked by 1 person

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