So this is my 3rd attempt at getting this blog posted for some reason it wasn’t saving…so I decided to take my laptop outside… onto the terrace and get some vitamin D.
Anyway, my bouts of paranoia when it comes to bipolar I believe are quite silly but real to me. My first bout of paranoia that I can really recall usually is around my husband. Back in 2005 or 2006 I had lost a significant amount of weight where I started wearing smaller clothing and clothing that really started fitting me well and I was highly confident at that time. (hypomanic) now that I think back on it. I had this feeling that my husband was either hiding or throwing out the clothes that I used to like. I used to think this because I thought that he didn’t want me to be attractive or sexy… of course I had no proof other than the fact that I couldn’t find my favorite shirt. I mean we’ve even had arguments over it and I feel bad about it now… I didn’t know at the time that paranoia was a symptom of bipolar…I just felt that I was being sabotaged. (ugh I had to go back inside my apartment, bugs were getting to me) lol
More recently… I’ve gained a lot of the weight back where I ballooned to over 200lbs and I lost the weight again. Since September I’ve lost 47 lbs.. and I am extremely proud of myself about it but when my husband would serve me food, it always seemed more than I wanted and I felt he wanted to keep me fat. Like he wanted me to stay unattractive so I felt the paranoia again. I brought it up to my therapist and he touched on my appreciation… “Are you appreciating your husband in that moment?” my therapist asked me and I said no because i’m so bent on him trying to sabotage me… “well, do you have to eat everything on your plate?” he asked… “well, no.” I swear sometimes I wish I had a direct line to my therapist because hes so insightful and can bring me back to reality which at the time i’m clearly not seeing straight.
It’s crazy how bipolar paranoia can really twist reality and our perception of it. A sort of paranoia that I feel ALL THE TIME is at work. It even happens at every job I get where I feel like people are plotting to get me fired or watching me to see if I screw up… It really sucks but it’s my reality. I know that i’m a great hard worker but sometimes I cant shake these feelings and I know that they can lead to anxiety which is what I’ve been feeling at work a lot lately. I’ve been getting little mini anxiety attacks where my heart is racing…and I feel the need to take deep breaths and I just start panicking… I just want to get out of there because I feel like that whole store is depending on me. If I take a sick day and I come back to work…the person who takes my place doesn’t get anything done and my work load is doubled… the manager hasn’t hired any extra help so i’m kinda stuck.
What does your bipolar paranoia feel like? Please share… What do you get paranoid about?