Am I trusted? Nope

0721_trust

I gotta say sometimes I don’t make the best choices and I can be very impulsive… I have my bipolar to thank for that… not blaming it on my illness but it does play a role especially if i’m feeling extra confident… or hypersexual… really not a good mix… I am married but I do become a huge flirt..and I have done a lot of cheating…definitely not proud of it. It even hurts me to write this so with that said I have a lot of shit I have to deal with regarding the trust issues with my husband.

He’s not insanely jealous like I would expect but he’s been a lot more in my business than I would like. I don’t blame him but at the same time i’m not the only one who cheated in this relationship although I may have cheated the most. It is something that I wish I could take back but I cant…

My therapist always asks me whenever i do something that goes against a responsible decision…. he asks me “is that the person you want to be” and i tell him “no it’s not” but at the same time when im impulsive i’m not really thinking about that. I’m not thinking of the person i want to be, i’m thinking of doing what i want when i want to do it. i guess that’s something i have to work on.

My husband tells me he trusts me but his actions say otherwise and it hurts my feelings when he says little comments that show he dont trust me. I dont know why it would bother me because i know why he says what he says but to have little comments made at me bothers me. I mean, i dont make comments to him about his indiscretions, ive let it go and it doesnt even bother me anymore but he i guess still has some healing to do. I havent cheated in a long time… i’m not going to mention how long because what’s a long time to me may be a short time to others…

I guess this is something i need to discuss with my therapist. Last comment my husband made, i was able to tell him that it bothers me when he says things like that…he said it does? … and we left it at that… then the next day…he said something else…i guess it’s become a habit… but i really dont feel trustworthy… dont trust me…