Oh No! Bold but embarrassing

i actually like to dictate my blogs because when im not looking at the screen and i’m looking at something else my mind just goes and i am free to speak whatever comes to mind.
i saw my therapist today i almost told him about this erotic transference that ive been feeling/having. He pretty much was like keep that to yourself, i just thought that i had to tell him those things…i’ll try never to bring it up again but it was really bad this week. i mean the whole therapy situation is kind of sexy to me but oh well… lets see if i can keep those kind of thoughts at bay.
Anyway i went to the dr to see about going for my third session of invitro but i got denied. i immediately felt heartbroken and broken. Felt like a broken woman and it’s not a good feeling, kind of made me consider starting my medication again. and then made me consider not starting it again.  Discussed with my husband other options he doesnt want me to go to a sperm bank…he doesnt want to adopt… suggested a surrogate, but i want to experience the motherhood… i mean i would do it but i would lose out on the whole bonding, and first kicks and all of those things that go with motherhood.
i dont know what to do anymore to be honest. i just made the decision to drown my sorrows at the bar, which i know isnt the healthiest decision… i just wanted to self medicate and mellow out… i’ve been anxious all week.
i’m feeling so many things today and i just dont know how to express it..i guess this blog is a healthy outlet, lets see how much i can keep up with it though. My therapist believes i may be going into a hypomanic episode soon because of how i told him i have been feeling. i do feel good today despite the disappointment. I was feeling super sexy and confident today but i know those feelings will pass… eventually.